How does it feel to be both vindicated and unceremoniously let down at the same time?
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| No-clip philosopher |
For this, a five-year-long bit I've kept up, to give a small rundown including but not limited to: dozens of fanart, a convention panel, two cosplays, an eventual meeting with Gary Hallgren, several commissions worth over $300 altogether, rent-free mind space, a Spotify "vibes-oriented" playlist, and all four issues framed and on my shelf would be an understatement. This comic has meant way too much to me than the average non-fucked person, and for that I'm tremendously grateful. It takes all types to be passionate, and I am one such type.
Alerted to me by pal @m_acrylic was something that my brain could only cook up in darkest nights. Something that my mind parsed over in hypotheses without any particular visual evidence or explanation. Something that I could have only dreamed of in terms of a tangible thing to witness.
Folks, I give you the long-lost pitch trailer for the scrapped 2004 Mort the Dead Teenager film.
I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD SHOW IT BUT HERE IT IS.
SO WHAT DOES AI THINK ABOUT IT?
In many facets, I'm confused. Talking with Hallgren this year puts into perspective how he wasn't entirely aware of any of this, since it's so tonally varied compared to the comic that he had complete visual involvement in. The four issues of this series have been printed onto my brain not unlike Silly Putty, so my main focus comes from what is generally known of as the only thing that ever existed and likely ever will.
A lot of what's visually displayed here is less Mort and more My Boyfriend's Back (which I was thinking about rewatching as part of a potential "1992/1993 Weird Little Dead Guy" article, whenever that could be), looking into the heavily-buried love triangle subplot of the comic that effectively ends by the second issue and starts another completely different love triangle with a broken foundation later on. The comic was never about a love triangle in the first place, at least in my opinion.
Mort the comic appeals to a grimy Gen-X sensibility of banality and youthful frustration. To quote the comic, image related:
This exchange effectively describes how the comic views itself and its characters. Everyone is in this unbound cycle of frustration and suffering, which is made much more apparent with the way the comic ends. The comic doesn't hate itself, but it shows a frustration with its conception. "Nowhere to go and it seems like an eternity to get there" is the best example of the comic's philosophy: who cares, nothing matters. There's always something better and always something worse.
However, compared to what we can perceive of this pitch, the film aims for an end to the loop. An opening in the ouroboros of whatever could be considered the plot to the comic, to say that there is one. Mort is a comic that's less interested in telling a story, rather letting the readers drink in the concept and general vibes that it gives off. It's stained, smelly, and generally standoffish, but aren't teenagers? Well, nobody says "shit" in it, but that's not something I'll blame on Hama, instead Marvel themselves.
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| Pictured: Ren and Stimpy |
But, at least to me, the general atmosphere of dirt and dust is what is integral to a Mort adaptation. How much of it is on display here? I don't know. I couldn't tell you. The movie doesn't exist and we have no finalized vision for the Mort feature film. It's not enough Ren and Stimpy while having way too much "songoku.. we gotta save this dog gone earth" than needed. Which is none.
I don't think a plot of urgency is what Mort demands. It's more of a "come over to your friend's house, drink beer, get high, and have a sleepover" comic than "the US gets nuked in five days and only one man can stop it" comic. I kinda don't care if Mort succeeds in coming back to life, which reminds me, what is this plot? What is any of this, man?
Some things and people seemingly don't happen and do not exist
Here is my big nit-picky portion of the article. How does whatever I've seen stack up to the comic, whether visually, narratively, or otherwise? The answer will likely not surprise you.
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| Plus my peanus got an attitude |
Uh. So I can't say for certain with sincerity and integrity what the actual movie would have been like. No script has surfaced either, so whatever can be analyzed in a written form is additionally important for this section. However! As a giant fan of this comic in a completely unironic way, I'm sure my mind could fill in the blanks to what could have possibly gone down, using whatever knowledge of the comic that hasn't been corrupted by these 8 minutes.
First off, this film was to be set in what I could assume is 2000 or 2001. I think Kimberly is played by Jessica Simpson, but it's hard to tell both because I don't care much for Jessica Simpson, but also my knowledge of Y2K America celebrity culture is spotty at best. If it is, I feel foolish for not immediately considering the possibility with all the knowledge I've gathered over the last five years.
"But Ai," you might be crying out in pain from such a niche complaint, "how do you know that this 2004 pitch pilot was set in 2000 or 2001?" The answer lies in this screencap, detailing what has changed since 1993 for our weird little guy.
To note, Teen Death is in the movie. Very interesting design for him as less of a weird skeleton guy and more rockabilly cruiser. He carries some kind of book with names not unlike The Santa Clause with its continually-updating lore, but he has to do analog changing, I guess. North Pole money hadn't come in yet. But what is most important is what's actually in it about Mort.
First off is his name. Mort Graves, of course. Why would I not know this. But below it is an actual birthday! November 20th, 1985. This year he turns 40. Happy birthday, Mort from the movie adaptation that never happened. Had this been 1993, he'd be, at the very least, pushing 50.
Next section is lore sacrilege. Mort's parents, who are named in-comic, are Wendy and Bruce. Not the case for here, with his mother given the initial "K" and his father "G". The "G" feels a bit obvious to me for what it could have stood for, but that couldn't entirely be the case. Plus, his mother has the maiden name "Stewart". That's not eyebrow-raising enough for me, because it's noted that he has no siblings. No Kyle? No Cyndi? Seemingly not. Additionally, Slick and Weirdo were on the chopping block, so they don't appear here either.
"Broken finger, wrist." is interesting. Injuries were never disclosed to have happened to Mort in the comic, aside from a Bobby Hill-style smoking session at 13 which I would hardly consider an injury. "Still a V." is getting my traffic control cop hands out, because this is going way too fast for me. I kinda didn't need to know Mort's virginity status, but I believe it just from how he's written in the comic. "Here lies Beavis, he never scored".
"Studebaker". Yes. Well-documented. "Pot smoker". Ah. Well, I can say that this was never shown or discussed in the comic. I would like to light one up with Mort. He seems like a chill guy to smoke with.
"High school student Sophmore (sic)" is our key!! Here it is. This is my confirmation. Sophomores in high school are typically 15-16 years old, which, according to my math, puts Mort at 16 years old with his birth year being in 1985 and birth month in November. He's a 10th grader, man! Wow!
The "Mort marries Kimberly" section doesn't matter. Skip.
"One Boy, One Girl". He has kids?! Are they like Bubsy's niece and nephew or something?! I want to know more about whatever this could be!
"Mother dies at 80, Father dies at 70". This doesn't really matter in the context of the comic, but I'm sure it would have the effect of a "big clown hanky" to Mort to finally know when his parents kick it.
And "Mistake Beach". That's it, really. I think there's another section or two, but I'll update this when I get to it with the rest of it.
Second is Mort's Gumby shirt. I fuck with it. If I had to wear one shirt for the rest of my banal nonexistence, it would very likely be a Mort the Dead Teenager or Osomatsu shirt. Out here representing Clokey though...not like he had a choice, but the choice was still very good regardless of that.
Third. Wrong car. You have a splash page in the very first issue with a "COMMANDER" emblem blasting off from what was left of a bullet-nose Stude. From what I gather, the car still is a Stude, but just not that particular make and model. I need that guy on Tumblr who identifies cars to help me out here. A lot of esoteric choices here.
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| Head stuff |
Fourth and possibly last. No head stuff. That's maybe his most recognizable thing in the comic, the head stuff.
I CAN BLOW SHIT UP
Fortunately, the corniness is a highlight. Unfortunately, the vibes are wack. The dank, Moe! The dank! There isn't enough darkness and slime! But we do have a mystery girl not unlike that I REIN FOR REIN song.
With the trailer's resurfacing, we now know what Mort and Teen Death look like. But there's a redhead who doesn't exactly correlate to any of our established girls in the comic. She can't be Cyndi because Cyndi doesn't exist, even though she looks the most like her. She can't be Kimberly because she's Jessica Simpson. Is she Maureen? I don't know at this point. Maureen was never able to interact with Mort like he could with his sister, but neither could Kimberly, and look at what they're doing here, man! From what I can assume, it looks like she's Teen Death's girlfriend?! Which was never a thing, but...
I've floated the idea of a Teen Death foil around for a bit, who's the angel on the shoulder to his devil. Her gimmick would have involved her and her fae/niad species interfering with any instances of teens getting claimed in accidents like Mort's, with her going up against Teen Death in a supernatural court case to decide whether or not Mort should have his incident reversed. I don't really want to focus on stuff like what this proposed movie would have done, but various aspects of world religion and mythology relating to supernatural beings and such, coalescing into a theme of "all religions are real and have basis in some sort of spiritual force", even if they're believed in by just one guy.
But this mystery girl, who I don't believe her name was mentioned, and if it was, I was way too bloodshot to notice, seems to be on TD's side for this operation. I might sound way too esoteric for the average ai blog reader (who is already esoteric enough), but this double-teaming death guy thing reminds me way too much of Pretty Freekin' Scary, a Disney Channel "sitcom" that I briefly looked into for its Mort similarities. Really boring show, actually! It seemed to be based on a junior-grade chapter book series from 15 years ago that I had never heard of because it was way too late for this show to have happened. But the show does do this "young person dies by accident and must fix stuff with their two-death-guy entourage so they can be unfucked" plot, much like what's seen here. Spiritual successor to this project, if I want to think on it hard enough.
Yet, as much as I try to talk about this pitch, I still am unable to find the right words to express how I feel about it. It's not the correct feeling a Mort adaptation should have. It's not grimy enough. It's not edgy enough, though it is still quite edgy. I guess edgy in another direction than what we have here? Who knows. I've been way too far up my ass since I read this objectively busted comic five years ago. Happy anniversary to that, I guess. I also like Teen Death's Geo Metro-looking car. And it's one link closer between Art Clokey and Larry Hama. So that's neat.
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| Image by gammaton. |
