You're-a Peein', European: An Analysis of "Iyami's Gibberish Japan-zansu!"

This movie was made by...
WHITE PEOPLE!!!

It's not like me to have this much Self-Indulgent Filler Content in-between something larger, but expect a more interesting piece (which will relate to my area of study; it's the Apple Paperback article mentioned in "Am I Disabled?", it'll be a treat for anyone who likes and/or grew up with goofy 90s kids movies or goofy 90s kids paperback books).

For now, I wanted to talk about an episode of the 1988 Osomatsu-kun series that I was thinking about a while ago, more specifically, the themes and satirical content that aren't too common in Osomatsu compared to other Akatsuka works (Gag Guerrilla and late-stage Tensai Bakabon come to mind as more well-known satire, though personally I've always liked Neko no Me News for much more anecdotal and observational satire that still rings true today). Especially at the point of the mid-70s to late-80s, Akatsuka's series took an observational and frequently irreverent approach to their comedy, with Caster likely being the climax of such an era for the King of Gags.

In the typical realm of Osomatsuism, Iyami, as a character, has always been this amoral yet lovable antihero that you want to see succeed as much as you want him to fail. He lives a perpetually Sisyphean life, with every success ringing true his downfall. For him to play an emperor or billionaire must come with the role of a bum or conman. In his lower forms, however, he's much more likable than if he were at his strongest. Is it because he's of a lesser class than the common man? Maybe. He's still pretty subject to comeuppance besides that. Part of the charm, I suppose.

However, this particular episode of Osomatsu is interesting because it breaks a few "established" rules of Iyami (that have been broken a few times before but not as frequently in contemporary): Iyami is a Japanese man blindly obsessed with the French culture to the point of outright LARPing as a Frenchman, and that Iyami is never entirely well-to-do, if so, receiving comeuppance due to his status. Iyami in this episode is portrayed as a full-blooded French "new wave-type" documentary filmmaker who is commissioned by a television network to create a documentary about modern Japanese society. Iyami, having only known orientalist cliches throughout his life, whether in school or in the media, is confused when he arrives; disappointed that it wasn't like what he was taught.

In a lot of ways, you could see this as the perfect inversion to "real" Iyami: his idealistic self having been born into a society that he'd wanted to be involved in nearly since his inception, but instead having the same lack of knowledge of the favored location as "real" Iyami does with France. It's a good bit of satire too, but I'll elaborate on that later.

Chibita, his cinematographer, helps him scout out some "red-blooded" Japanese people, taking up the Matsunos as the stars. Iyami's "vision" of Japan is tainted, expecting these archaic stereotypes to be on full display only to discover that they're all just normal people minding their business, watching TV and drinking tea, hot from the pot like any normal person. It's not much different from France, to Iyami's detriment. And so, from a deliberate Ozu homage crashes Iyami, needing a big view of Fuji-san, the sextuplets' father in drag, and their "Oriental Witch" mother playing volleyball to create the "real Japan".

As on-the-nose as you can get for this one.

This Kool-Aid ad feels similar to the view that most of the western world had on Japan post-war, exaggerated in Iyami's casual racism. It's this one-sided not-quite-Meiji-not-quite-Taisho exotic world where a character not unlike Mickey Rooney's Yunioshi from Breakfast at Tiffany's (Mel Blanc in one of his most unfortunate gigs) ensures the two little white Kool-Aid boys that they are A-OK here in the East with some American imports. If the Meiji Restoration was the beginning of a westernized Japan, then any sort of depiction like this feels deliberately misleading. Listening to Iyami's boyhood teacher describe the Japanese lifestyle in his lecture and film narration seems to come from a real place in the world, partly from orientalist, imperialist, and white western perspectives. "All Japanese people use rickshaws and kill themselves when sad, women are called 'geisha girls' and only wear dresses."

But, as this episode aired, Japan entered the Heisei era, killing the Showa era bubble economy that was so prevalent at the time. For Iyami's supposed beliefs to come from a pre-Showa place (as the emperor relegated his duties to being a ceremonial figure rather than a political one, much like what was occurring in Great Britain around 240 years prior), it disregards much of the industrialization and development that came from western integration. The Japan from the Edo period is not the Japan of 1962, with salarymen and television and metallic foil-wrapped crackers.

Example of Ozu's trademark "voyeuristic camera", as seen in Tokyo Monogatari.

The Ozu homage in particular stuns me, due to him as a director having most of his well-known works discuss the rapid onset of a generational culture gap. His cinematography, cultivated over years of documentary work, is easily described as "voyeuristic", as if we, the audience, are in the same space as the characters in the film, though at a less intimate distance. Still and unmoving, sitting across the room, watching the everyday lives of everyday people unfold across time and space. Life, death, love, and the pursuit of happiness, all over tea with senbei crackers on a ceramic plate. The quaintness of Ozu is easily seen as simple and not much to think about, but the fact that so much could be done with a distinct style says more to his direction than any sort of criticism regarding it.

In Osomatsu's case, the juxtaposition of the calm and focused style of Ozu in comparison to the bombastic high-tension stylings of these famous comedic characters creates perhaps one of the best allegories of Orientalism in anime: the forced nature of what is presumed to be and always has been Japan is being interpreted via Japanese art in the way of one of the country's most popular directors, in a confused and chaotic mess that completely destroys any semblance of the original concept in the beginning. Perhaps this could be said of any racism, that stereotypes and preconceptions tend to define the culture shock experienced by foreigners or tourists coming to another country. By assuming that certain things are expected of certain people by others who have no knowledge or experience of their culture, a separate gossamer layer of poison floats above human interaction at all times of the day. Don't touch it at all.

Ozu a la Osomatsu.

Though, despite Iyami's lack of actual research or knowledge on the country he's documenting, the town jumps to the cause of perhaps getting recognition overseas. The idea of the blind ambition of fame; the fact that no matter the audience member who sees you will surely see you as you are, has been dead for decades prior to this episode. Perhaps with the rise of the genre film or the extravagance of the mondo flick (which Iyami's documentary ends up becoming after all of this) that rectifies many xenophobic and racist worldviews through the lens of a bizarre showcase of the world's most uncharted regions, one must always take the grain of salt with any sort of actual narrative, that, if you are to be documented via the internet, the media, a biographer, a historian...chances are there will be things that cannot be accurately translated into a visual or written sense, nor an auditory or physical one. The sacrifice of self in front of cameras is brilliantly depicted here, with the sextuplets' parents falling into the trap of overreaching for success, much like any an open call extra for a non-union film. Calling Mom to tell her you're gonna be an actor, that you're gonna be famous, that you're moving to LA...

And not to say that money is a hell of a drug, but the promise of fame usually involves the promise of money. Throughout much of the franchise, there's mention that the Matsunos aren't entirely well-to-do in their financial situation. With six kids, they had to take a lot of shortcuts, such as buying clothes in bulk, limiting allowances, only having enough food for three square meals a day, and generally letting the boys make their own fun among others. In some chapters or episodes where something financially surprising happens, such as a vacation or a grand purchase for the family, there's an underlying problem of the family's lack of money for a handful of other things to do that might be necessary as opposed to escapist. Starring in a film about themselves would be very opportunistic if the audience is European, but a domestic film would be much more appealing if the payout is local and there wouldn't be a sacrifice to be made in terms of cultural identity and the dignity associated with that.

Later on in the show, there's a small shift towards fame-oriented plots for our characters, namely "Life is Tough for Prince Chibita!" and "Using Magic to Become Younger-zansu!" which both focus on an almost Prince and Pauper-type tale of the sin of fame, the first adapting a chapter around the visiting Prince Chibiru (played by Chibita, of course) who shaves his head and goes missing simply because he wants to see what life is like as a middle-class boy. The latter is an original story about the parents magically de-aging to teenagers and discovering the trouble of late-Showa society in a soon-to-pop economic bubble, with Matsuyo becoming a rival idol to Totoko and Matsuzou having to take the mantle of an extended cousin staying at the house while the kids' dad is "away". No real sort of status quo is shaken up, but the parents end up meeting at an old playground they had memories of when they first fell in love, yet remain unaware of their respective de-aged secrets. It's a really cute way to do character building but without having anything be too permanent.

She doesn't KNOW!!! 😏

And now, a contextual side-piece we call...

A lovely anecdote about what Akatsuka was doing at this time

Akatsuka at a certain point had become a bit jaded from his household-nameitude and success with wacky goofy shit, so reading the revived Osomatsu manga that ran concurrent with the show is a ginormous experience to have, with a deliberately flippant tone contrast to Sugino's wistful and nostalgic take on the series. Of course, in the anime you'll have modern implementations like idol singers and the Famicom, but Akatsuka was doing shit to do shit, having tales about the sextuplets fusing into a giant boy and causing havoc like a tokusatsu monster, or a thinly-veiled Doraemon parody dropping bombs on the city and later saving the town from fairy tale delirium, or the old classic, aliens invading and dropping super-power granting poo on the streets to which Iyami shits all over just to start trouble and trick people into eating his?? Okay???

I'd be pretty bored too if I didn't decide to give my 10-year-old protagonist a gun at some point

Likely my favorite of this era is the tale of the sextuplets going on a nature hike to which Osomatsu deliberately sabotages the route in the hopes that his brothers get trapped in a cave and die?? Also involving one of them getting photographed woodspooping and another constantly fucking yelling for no reason. Osomatsu gets the tables turned on him and is presumed dead for 40 years and returns described as a Robinson Crusoe-type aided by His Boy Chibita. The family is destitute, with a handful of their boys in bad health and Choromatsu in a sort of unaging state of guilt and insanity, imagining himself some sort of stereotypical child trying to atone for the presumed death of his brother.

It's just completely deranged in the Akatsuka fashion to have these beloved characters be torn apart and reconstructed in a grossly exaggerated way, but I see the reasons of a creator who ultimately doesn't want to be as associated with his first big nationwide hit almost 30 years after its debut still making things about it. He'd kill off the characters in a Sunday anniversary piece (which you can read a writeup about at the link, in Japanese) as a sort of "what if" thing, with the punchline being that a fictionalized Akatsuka resorted to alcohol abuse and took his own life sometime after all his other characters died. While Akatsuka did have his history with alcohol addiction into his later years (mostly in part to the death of his mother and his divorce), the fact that he ends this story on a joke about killing himself seems like a frustrated attempt to shake his fame of being "the guy who did Osomatsu".

Additionally, a Bakabon chapter would come out prior to this imagining a "final episode" to the series, with Bakabon killing Hajime, Mama and Papa splitting, and the now-lonely patriarch being killed via Suicide-By-Cop in an awful shootout. Would you believe the week this happened was the week that the main focus of this article aired for the first time? It's a very very interesting look at these two opposing viewpoints that I think should be considered in retrospect to the series.

The end of the article

This image will show up again later this year as thumbnail for another piece. Go to bed.

I really like so much of this episode. You hardly get any of this sociopolitical satire in Osomatsu and it's such a treat to see. It's speculated that an uncredited or otherwise anonymous Masaaki Yuasa did some stuff for this one, though it's not confirmed by him or any staff. Unwise to bug him about it because he's a busy man and we don't want another "Feat of Clay Pt. 2" situation to happen again in terms of animator IDs, but there's a lot of stylistic similarities to what he's later show off on KureShin or Maruko (which are both notable for having influences in Akatsuka works). It's a very fun time, so check this one out if you can. Report back to me about what you think about Iyami's teacher's design. Whitest Man Ever.

My Friend Passed Away So I'm Talking About Mort the Dead Teenager and Passion

In many aspects, this article was a long time coming. I didn't know exactly when to start my Mort piece but considering that a friend of mine whom I hadn't known for even a year but felt like several was fatally injured in a vehicular accident, it feels almost impossible to not talk about Mort. My friend (who I want to keep anonymous for her family and friends' sake) was a ginormous inspiration for my work in my classes. She was enthused to hear me talk about whatever I loved so much to her, and at one point we were considering a podcast of some kind (nothing really panned out).

I met her the day after I moved into my living quarters at my school. She sat at the table in the lobby, drawing. We talked for a little bit, and eventually it turned into a long night playing pinball and airing our grievances about our lives growing up. What she had dealt with as a kid and into adulthood was a very distinct experience of pain and misery, one that I don't believe I'll ever be able to comprehend. Her experience of genuineness, both due to her transition in adulthood to her struggles as a boy not sure he's in the right skin were unique and all the while daunting. She was strong as hell, and did what she could for others around her.

I owed her a tremendous debt due to her history, and she did just the same.

I've eaten out with her, gone to bars, even shared my 21st birthday with her. She is someone who has meant so much to me in such a short amount of time since when I met her that I can't even imagine what life would be like without her. In many ways, what happened over these last few days reminds me a lot of Mort, just in terms of plot coincidences and things that lined up really strangely. I think I'll get shit for "Boss Babying" a real and tragic situation, but, my friend, if she knew about what was to happen and the similarities, she'd have thought it was incredibly funny in a supremely fucked and esoteric way. I don't exactly remember if she had read the comic in its entirety, but she would have totally loved it.

This sorta behavior don't come from nothin'! The boy ain't right!

Regardless, Mort the Dead Teenager as a comic has gotten me through some tough times. I read it for the first time during Covid in eleventh grade, and maybe because I was delirious from the unreal state of the world or maybe because I was 15 years old, the comic latched onto me like a tick and has been draining my blood for almost five whole years. It's become an inside joke with my in-person friends, to the point where I met a few of my longtime buddies talking about this thing. I've consistently wanted to do a project with it, but that's where the film degree has to save my ass. Please do not assume that me getting my degree is just a long, expensive, and convoluted way for me to work on a Mort thing, but I'm accepting of the interpretation. I think being made out to be psychotically insane about this comic is a funnier outcome than not, honestly.

Covid and its impact certainly changed the trajectory of me and millions of other people around the world who wanted to do one thing and now didn't have the time to. School was online for half the year, mask mandates were around after that, and then by high school graduation, I had fallen into depression because of my anxiety and the general atmosphere that was cultivated in the heat of disease. I sorta made it my mission to see out to something, whether making new friends to share what I liked with them or getting them involved in fun things to do regardless of our own lives. We're all from different creeds and worlds, so why not smash the bridges together from the river to the forest and let the sun shine as the trees clear out. Mort was kind of a conversation piece in the coffee table of life and still tends to be.

So, knowing I met my friend as she was drawing at a table, I showed her my work, mostly Mort art and other assorted pieces I'd done over the last year. Not to say it was a backbone or anything, but there was a passion for something that was hard to explain. Maybe the passion for life.

And passion drives: I've got all the issues of Mort framed and another set bagged up as reading copies. I've interviewed Hallgren alongside having an illustration of Mort from him. I've got an underproduced preview copy for buyers that's quite literally the scans of the manuscripts. I've hosted a convention panel about it. I've even cosplayed the poor bastard. I've poured time, money, and energy into this stupid comic. Scenarios float about in my head like bacteria in a green lake. I'm even considering talking to Hama over the summer as a small project for myself. It's a never-ending passion that started during a bad patch of life and rolled around like a hoopsnake towards an unknown destination. What's my endgame here? No idea. I just like the dead kid comic.

"Grandma never liked those Precious Moments figures...always said they were too saccharine."

Mort, as a character, is undefined in the best possible sense. He's an underachiever and a dreamer who just wants what's best for everyone, and inadvertently fucks it up for himself and what could have been for his relations. He's none too bright but in search of sanctuary, and you can still love to see him wailed on, but he's emblematic of a larger problem in the universe: the Untimely Demise. He certainly didn't deserve it, but if his name and "dead" are in the title, his fate is sealed, and there's no way out.

He's trapped inside himself and his life that is beyond saving. To watch your family and friends suffer instead of accept your fate...I can't describe the existential pain and sadness to endure it. He's a character that's profoundly sad but also incredibly funny because he's as clueless as we are. And, if anything, maybe the most interesting thing about him other than this horrific struggle is the pressure felt on him past the point where he'd need it. He's a high-schooler who can't move past high school rather than an adult who can't move past it.

I can't help but feel bad for the guy and others like him, alive and not, who are stuck in this nowhere land of their own hellish creation. Covid was a huge proponent for these periods of time without job or enthusiasm, and for young people like me, we entered a state of inertness that was put upon by those who made the world we live in. We're going to go through it again sometime soon, but I'd rather focus on the world I want to make rather than something pre-defined by festering corpses of what could hardly be considered human.

Press F to do whatever it is you do when you press it idk

As I face another tragedy in my life in uncertain circumstances, I've found it necessary to return to comfort. Even if it means facing grief in a strange and unexpected way, I know what I can do to help others and myself in particular...Mort as a comic parodies much of the concepts of a typical "teen" comic, whether from the scenario to the art style, it wants to be an anti-Archie in a way that's distinctly 1993. The only things Archie has to worry about are his grades and deciding between Betty and Veronica. Mort has his family, friends, and everlasting soul at stake, but he and us will never know what comes of it. Maybe I'll touch on the Fall of 1993 one of these days as a season that was strangely focused on "weird little dead guy" media to the point where I would suspect industrial espionage. Of course, it's a funny idea, but then specifically? What was the drive for it?

Osomatsu has been something I've wanted to come back to for a while, so expect something about that soon. This article was very spurred on by something that was out of my control, and I apologize if it read strange or out of place. My friend would have wanted me to write about my passions to get me out of a rut, even if it meant her not being able to see it. And I think that's a good mentality to have, to live as is and act on passion. We need more of that.

Am I Disabled?

Call this a crashout or call it just an unnecessary vent, but don't put in the paper that I'm mad. I don't want people to know I'm mad. I didn't get mad. That's what you write. "I did not get mad at an anonymous stranger on Twitter with a default avatar who only replies via ragebait to people rebutting right-wing circlejerkers." Write that. I'll do the Apple Paperback article when I get to it, man.

Of course, joking aside, I am disabled. I'd been diagnosed with autism at six years old. Besides the social impairment, it's gotten in the way of one or two job opportunities: I recall applying for a job at an autism care center where I would be helping out autistic kids. Having the disability myself, I thought I'd be a good addition to the team, to hear the kids out and understand their needs and what they want to do there, whether chill out or play on the jungle gym they had in the building. Unfortunately, they denied my application almost immediately, but never do they specify for what. I have all the makings for this job! I've done work with kids before, but is it simply the fact that I'm autistic myself the reason for me not being chosen, or were they looking for someone with a background in education, or maybe someone older? It's all sorts of speculation that I blame on my disability, but never anything concrete.

To follow this up, I had gone to interview for a swim school, helping out young elementary schoolers learn to swim. They had me shadow a class for the day, where we had an autistic boy not ready to jump in yet because he was overstimulated with the temperature change from the warm air to the cool water. It must have taken him about five minutes to get him in, with his dad watching through the window, prodding him and being visibly frustrated with his son's supposed resistance. After he had settled in and class was over, the instructor told me his situation, to which I responded with something like "Oh, yeah, I have autism too! He was just overstimulated and needed a bit more reassurance into the water...maybe by moving in slower than a cannonball." We did another class, the instructor talked to me a bit less that time, I showered, changed, and left.

I did not get the job.

It's incredibly strange that, especially in a learning or care environment, that people with autism are turned away from a job simply because of stigma regarding their disability. In some ways, you have to know what you're talking about before you practice what you preach. And damn, if I didn't know autism all too well by growing up with it and having been in a special needs class for much of elementary and some of secondary, I could have been a textbook definition for the person a job like this entails. It's the sort of stigma that fuels hatred and prejudice, not on the level of much more common sources of unsolicited commentary, but similarly arisen from historical events and situations that also come from a deliberate lack of understanding.

Yes? And what of it?

Maybe it's because slt_crusher1 (@CrusherSlt26527) made a correct-ish observation, that I would have been considered "retarded" some 50~ years ago, but as someone actively working on my bachelor's at a Big Ten school, this comes across as incredibly rude when one acts blindly, as is shown. This sort of behavior has skyrocketed since Elon Musk's purchase, with an invitation to ridicule those seen as being progressive or even "different". I'd wanted to analyze the concept of "The Other" in film and its origins as both an evolutionary explanation for why we fear monsters both in mythology and in the movies, but additionally in a sociological sense as a way to move prejudice towards a stronger and deadlier version of itself.

Lynch's The Elephant Man explains it pretty well, talking about Joseph Merrick and "The Other" conflicting with his own beliefs and ways of life: his physical disability as well as his appearance contributed towards his own misunderstanding as a member of society, with deliberate lack of respect for him and others like him only being able to survive based on his appearance. Though, unlike Merrick's condition, commonly believed in modern times to be Proteus syndrome, autism is seen as an "invisible disability", where much of the changes are under the surface. By contrast, instead of being ridiculed for what you appear as, you are instead ridiculed for what you say or propose, both as a method to calm yourself and as a way to create conversation.

Additionally, the guy I was replying to also implied the negative aspect of disability, utilizing a screen of Eric Cartman from the South Park episode "Up The Down Steroid" captioned "CHAMPION!" Of course, it's interesting that this episode is being discussed, because it's made incredibly apparent through the show that Cartman is not a role model or someone that is to be seen as a good person. Cartman's actions to take part in the Special Olympics were out of greed, with his able (or as able as he could be) body to be an advantage to the actually disabled athletes competing, including Jimmy. The Special Olympics themselves have a parallel history to the Paralympics, with athletes of all stripes competing alongside being a recognized Olympic organization, though the SO beats out the Paralympics by about 20 or so years.

Conservatives using South Park as a gimmick to harass or discredit those they deem "The Other" is nothing new, but it goes against what the show stands for: satire is something that, and I really don't want to quote the meme of the guy in the tank top, requires a form of clarity and understanding of what is being discussed to understand its point. Media literacy is quite low right now, with many in the world misunderstanding the intent of satire: to seek to point out the flaws in society and raise awareness through usage of humor. If you are to blindly accuse everything that Cartman does as "right" or "morally correct", then I am afraid you and I are not watching the same program to come to that conclusion.

What a jerk!

It should come as no surprise that I'm autistic. I yap about boomershit anime and some weird ass Marvel thing from the early 90s. If you give me some kinda podium to talk about what I want, on my own time, to nobody in particular, I'll grab that opportunity and domain name when I can. The word "retarded" doesn't offend me, but it belittles the struggle of many people like and unlike me in a variety of ways, implying that some sort of fire of life has been snuffed out. To use it as a catchy "offensive" insult like another term used towards LGBTQ+ individuals might paint me as the friend who's too woke, but I don't think we should assume one's disability or sexual/gender preference through a computer screen, especially towards someone who's deliberately trying to remain anonymous, even if you're deliberately anonymous yourself through opportunistic and fraudulent means.

And I don't care if you're doing this as a gotcha for your favorite neo-Nazi or similarly hateful golden calf! Tolerate your fellow man. Love thy neighbor. Love the world and one day it will love you back. Look beyond the forest where the cabin is and see what the city has in store. Some other analogy for this paragraph. I've given too much time and thought to someone who has never had a thought to stand by himself on his own profile. It's all gotcha's, working off someone else's observations. Instead of making blind "edgy" assumptions, have something interesting to say for yourself that makes you feel good about yourself. Loathing drives a man further than the grave.

---

Editorial note 3/24/25: This particular phenomenon of word choice has been observed and described by @jaycaspiankang, @dieworkwear (best known as the Menswear Guy) and @Sturgeons_Law in a much simpler and contemporarily political manner, it reflects a broader shift of those in political power "vice signaling" towards followers to enlist continued "The Other"-ism. I've been in bad shape for the last few days for reasons unrelated to this post (I've heard much worse) but look forward to seeing a rather sentimental new article soon. I would appreciate the support.

What the Fuck is "Bless You" Anymore?

KHRNGHCHGK
(cough)

A thought has been floating about my mind for perhaps the last week. What's the significance of saying "bless you" when someone sneezes in modern times?

I've always thought that it was an archaic phrase since I was a kid, granted, I wasn't religious growing up (despite the fact that for a brief period in my life from my birth to 4 years, it was the most religious my world had been and likely ever will be) and I didn't know what kind of action "blessing" was. My dad didn't even try to enunciate the phrase, always saying "ka-blesshew". My good friends typically say "gesundheit", the German word for health that is used over there as a sneeze response: "to your (good) health", but sometimes sneezing isn't because you're sick, occasionally it's because your nasal cavity was gently irritated.

So what's the historical significance of "bless you" in particular? It sources from The Raising of the Hands, specifically the philosophy that by saying the name of God in a setting of well-wishing, a divine force will ensure the good intentions witnessed. There doesn't necessarily have to be a religious inclination, but I'd like to assume that, for maybe a thousand years, there was no escape from religion in everyday life. A serf was an armchair theologian who contemplated the nature of God when his crops wither after what appeared to be a good season. A prostitute was a social nun in her power to prevent the sinning of her fellow men, all while bearing her own sins like the world on her shoulders. A baker was the man of the people, with his goods available to purchase by anybody who had the money to eat Christ's flesh.

Perhaps even simple pleasures like food and sex have good will, no matter who presented them and if payment was involved. Of course, times have changed, and regulations are involved to ensure that both parties are equitably represented in their own time, whether a sex worker receiving their salary through OnlyFans or the local deli making sure that their ham is up to code and good enough to eat for their patrons. There's less of a God with eyes on the world, almost as if borders were destroyed and with their erasure, the world centupled. Everyone's God is everywhere, with different names and faces, colors and shapes, almost as if there never was a single master of men.

Not many people look to Milhouse as inspiration, but he did have a good point here.

An alternative idea of why such a thing was said is from the belief that sneezing was a spiritual vulnerability, the sneeze creating a temporary lack of soul, the emptiness being a gateway to invite malicious supernatural activity into the body, with "bless you" acting as a shield against evil. Alternatively to the alternative, very stupid people believed that a sneeze stopped the heart, and much like the aforementioned Aku-Aku invincibility against the Devil or Neo Cortex, saying "bless you" got the ticker ticking again.

Sometimes sneezes are bad news, such as someone you know speaking ill behind your back in Cantonese culture, or in multi-religious countries like India or German-speaking territories, a sneeze is a sign of pity from a divine higher power. A "poor baby" punishment of reflex. Some interpretations are much sillier such as a sign of growth spurts or a quick way to bully small children (Serbia mostly, accusing the baby blessed of referencing Gravity Falls with their kitten sneezes), or just the fact that you need to drink water. Decent reminder nowadays, but then, it was much easier to get your hands on clean water.

The cultural significance of a human action like a sneeze is interesting for a lot of reasons, namely because in Abrahamic areas there's a tendency to sic God on you (to, as the kids say, lovebomb) in the hopes that you knock that shit off. Cram that soul back in. In East Asia, nobody really says anything unless you're kicking up a storm. A sneeze is just a thing you do when a little dustie rubs you wrong. Cover it with a tissue, a mask, a sleeve, check your phone. We've got more important things to think about right now. No words wasted on letting people know you heard them go "achoo". Thing is, I've been used to letting people know I went "achoo". Maybe I like it when people bless me. I want to balance my "thank you" and "I'm sorry" ratios, give me a cheap opportunity for me to thank someone instead of apologize.

Maybe it would surprise you to know that instead of blessing or ignoring, in Igbo, Swahili, and Yoruba, you just say "sorry". That's a greater satisfaction than simple acknowledgement to me, and I apologize if I sound arrogant. You could sneeze around someone who's done you wrong and they'd say "sorry" without any work on your end. That could save a lot of lives, I think. It could save a lot of trouble, relationships, grudges...

"The epic disappointment": it's not epic to me...

In China (among other places), they wish you another hundred years of life. I don't really want to think about living another hundred years right now! Where I'm at is pretty bad as is, I don't want to know about the next hundred from here. The intention is that the response will give you such impressive health that you live longer, and I do understand the significance of the number 100, but I really don't want to live that long! It's scary! Though, perhaps with stackable buffs (sneezing), I could change the world...it's quite a thought.

Besides, it's interesting that "bless you" became secularized in English. It's become an interesting formality in the language that it's transcended religious and cultural barriers to become a phrase that acknowledges a sneeze, and wishes you well (no matter if the sneeze came from sickness or not), and I think that's nice.

On a tangential note, when I was in Japan in 2023, I had a sneeze on the train to Yokohama. Nobody said anything, which I expected, but I felt like I was missing something. It's that firsthand experience with another culture that really shows how big this world is, where some say "bless you", some "gesundheit", and some neither or none at all. You could boil it down to how you were raised and the languages you learned, but boiling things down via Occam's Razor isn't all that fun to me. Let the booger rockets float around in my head a little bit. Let me think about it.

Sisyphus For Hire: TikTok Money Laundering

Philip J. Guys

TikTok, as a website, has simultaneously some of the best things to see on the modern internet today, as well has some of the absolute worst. This, of course, is not referring to the "cringe"-labeled videos that appear every so often in certain circles, but rather a whole network of unrelated streamers that, through one shared method or another, prey on the addictive nature of the app itself to farm donation payout.

The lucrative nature of these streams is without a doubt in part due to the algorithmic prioritization of live content. Every few scrolls past whatever videos appear on your feed are bound to drag in some sort of snake oil salesman, Twitch expat, or independent artist who mostly hangs about on a site like this for the exposure and attention (which, for a stream, meanders and picks up speed towards some kind of pay dirt). Among these ranks of streamers are those I like to call "Sisyphus For Hire", people who feed on anticipation and the ability to prolong short information or simple actions for hours at a time, taking donations in the form of "gifts" (each gift is worth a certain monetary value, tallied, and totaled for at least $20 payout) to influence actions that occur on stream. Sometimes gifts are a side effect, and the streamer goads on those whose feeds have suggested them their stream, to which they'll need "JUST FIVE MORE PEOPLE" to join, and then they'll reveal the codes to the nuclear football or some other kind of unknowable or impossible task.

The first image is one of many of these kinds of impossible tasks, where an illustration of people at urinals has hidden object Highlights Magazine-type things to find. The crutch (and it's always a crutch) is nowhere to be found, leading to people in the chat to call out locations in the image on where it might be found: of course, there is no such crutch, except in a metaphorical way. The streamer will raise the stakes; "IF I CAN GET A DISCO BALL, I'LL REVEAL THE ANSWER", to which a chatter gifts a disco ball. "THANK YOU FOR THE DISCO BALL, SAINTBELLA547, GO CHECK OUT HER ACCOUNT, FOLLOW HER, SHE'S AWESOME. I'LL REVEAL THE ANSWER IN FIVE...GO AND FOLLOW HER GUYS, IF SHE CAN GET 10 FOLLOWS, I'LL REVEAL THE ANSWER."

And he never does.

The closer he gets to exposing the location of this godforsaken crutch, the more he pads for time. There comes a point where his audience sees through the charade, and viewers drop exponentially. "I WILL TELL YOU THE ANSWER RIGHT NOW. THE CRUTCH IS RIGHT HERE, TAKE A LOOK."

The feed is cut. User Offline. Stream Ended. $20 or more has been accrued, so there's no need to wait for the minimum amount to let the bottom fall out.

15
Countdown stopped!
15 14 13
Countdown stopped!

Another form of these Sisyphean ordeals is the Streamer vs. Viewer game, which was most recently oversaturated with a Minecraft version involving a cube of blocks (of a certain size and parameter) to fill a space made of bedrock. Once the space is filled, a countdown begins, moving at a molasses-covered Special Agent Oso pace to give the audience time to donate a gift that affects the in-game task at hand (typically TNT being dropped from the sky or the space itself being completely reset, depending on the monetary value).

Of course, most of the emotional aspects of something like this have to do with performative vitriol: the fact that you can see anyone succeed with the potential to knock them down without any consequences seems like a perfect exchange in an idealistic world, but it's also an immature way of thinking too. It's no wonder that this Minecraft variant drew in a lot of revenue from viewers, namely early-to-middle-aged teenagers who don't understand the correlation between the monetary value of the gifts they give and the ways that streamers can earn off them.

A much stronger comparison could be made with Twitch Bits, which do disclose their monetary value based on how many are purchased. On TikTok, in order to purchase gifts, one must purchase coins of a certain package amount that can be put towards gifts. Gifts have a certain coin value, which does not give an equal value in the currency it was purchased with. There's the exchange rate that streamers can see that viewers are unable, but for the consumers, there's a distinct lack of transparency about the money being spent and sent.

In a lot of ways, these sorts of streams feel like being on the Vegas Strip: shell game scammers, "give me $50 and I'll jump in the fountain outside Caesar's naked", showgirls who don't even work in shows and parade the streets for $10 insta-print photos; an air of expensive frivolity is inhaled and exhaled by those with lost anticipation (alongside the smell of sativa strain joints and filterless cigarettes). It's easy to perceive the idealized form of What Vegas Is as translating to the idealized form of What TikTok Streaming Is.

For every other small business owner selling 3D-printed keychains, you'll have another who claims to be a small business but dropships $2 pleather bags from AliExpress for $15. For every CustomWoodBurning and Caseoh who have influential roots in personality-driven Twitch-style streaming, you'll get Encino Man 2 and LispyJimmy screaming over a similarly Sisyphean iPad game where a bouncing ball pops balloons and doesn't get the job done for an ungodly amount of time. There's a lack of the honesty and personality that makes streaming enjoyable here. Maybe if you look into the webcam feed hard enough, you can see a dollar sign reflecting in a streamer's eye.

Seven Years of Bad Luck, or, I Think I Might Be A Pretty Big Osomatsu Fan

DO YOU KNOW ME

2018, Discotek Media uploaded a surprise first episode to their YouTube channel: Pierrot's 1988 Osomatsu-kun. 2019, the rest of the show was up on Crunchyroll among other services.

Then for a long time nothing happened.

A president left, another came, and the one before came back. The genocide in Palestine was brought to the mainstream. I graduated junior high, high school, and community college. I moved out to university housing.

Everything is just so quiet now.

The States are going to be an awful place to live for the next four years. A lot of good people will leave or die, sometimes not by their own hand. I dread my next year of school due to what could possibly happen to my financial aid if the government cuts down on funding. I can't really imagine a realistic future right now.

I can, however, imagine holding a blu-ray release of Osomatsu-kun in my sweaty hands and grinning rather violently.

Act I: Who Likes This Shit?

I dunno, someone here, probably...

If you go to any "retro anime" account or page on your socials, you'll see a distinct vibe from their content. Sleek characters with neon colors and an overall looming appreciation for OVA-style sci-fi anime. It's rare that you ever see anything outside of that particular box, but when you do, it's only going to be for a moment. Perhaps the obsession with this very particular aesthetic is a zoomer variant of boomers being obsessed with Rockwell paintings or Gen X'ers being obsessed with lackluster syndicated cartoons. A universal emotion of "it was so much better back then".

What this emotion tends to ignore is the fact that most boomers would hate Rockwell for his progressive beliefs and politics, and Gen X'ers have the rose-tinted glasses that don't let them see the faults in what they grew up with simply because it's what they grew up with. The "80s Anime Account" phenomenon derives itself from the most obvious of cherry-picking, influenced in part from the vaporwave and future funk subcultures, with their glowing grids and OutRun playthrough footage. I can't speak for anyone who lived during the 80s because I was not alive then, and neither can a good chunk of these accounts. It's a vainglorious era that never existed in a 21st-century contemporary world and is instead seen through distortions of distortions. The 80s is an over-loved decade because of what is misrepresented and exaggerated. Maybe you could say that the decade itself is just as flanderized as the 50s or 60s, with music dictating such feelings.

Granted, for every post about OEDO or Akira that tends to crop up, you'll never find anything about Ranpou or Lupin III Part 3 because it doesn't fit the hard-boiled narrative they want to convey. And both of these shows are super fun and take advantage of the medium very well! They might not be hits in their home country or much else for that matter (Italy has its particular obsession in regards to Lupin, though that's besides the point lmao), but it gives a much bigger vision of what 80s anime had to offer than a bike slide. Osomatsu-kun is one of those such shows, with heavy reliance on comedy and character humor as opposed to telling an overarching story. Every episode is different in scope and tone, almost akin to the Tezuka Star System idea of typecasting, as if all the characters here are playing roles in a movie.

The non-reliance on a structure or formula is perhaps both one of its biggest strengths and weaknesses, as a lot of anime fans tend to misunderstand what the show wants to do with its time. You could argue that it was a take on how Fujio Akatsuka wrote the original manga, by simply just drawing funny stuff and not really caring about where it takes us next time. The reliance on a straightforward plot running through however many episodes is the typical way to do a show nowadays; limiting your time to the straight and narrow path of serialization provides an incentive for audiences to come back next week, compared to the bombastic and unpredictable world of episodic storytelling. But for me, by doing all this stuff with no regard whatsoever to any established mythology or pre-existing lore to understand, I can see a show that does so many different things and not get boring or confused on where to go next, likely because of delays on the main form of the adapted media's side.

The characters are well-established with their foibles and attributes by the second episode, and even if you aren't familiar with Akatsuka's other works like Tensai Bakabon or Moretsu Atarou (where a few other characters come from), just seeing these goofy things on screen is enough to make a smile, I think. Akatsuka, as a cartoonist, relies on a sometimes uncommon philosophy to just show up and have something for his audience to take a peek at. Doesn't matter what's going on, if it's funny, it doesn't really matter what happens. Make 'em cowboys or samurai. I don't care, as long as I have a good time. Justifying it as these characters' ancestors is lame shit, I don't want to do too much thinking and instead wanna see what can be done with these guys in this place. Simple as, really.

So, maybe I'd say the answer is that I like this shit.

Act II: CN Real's Dude, What Would Happen

IF I FUCKING TORTURED YOU

I am not here to watch a cartoon where men scream about their cocks and explode. I am here to watch a cartoon where anything and everything can happen just because it's funny. The series is an exercise in character study, in that it reinvents these occasionally 20-something-year-old bits and does it in a manner that pays tribute to the past and present (present being that of the late 80s). You'll have an episode based off a chapter that you could read in a collected volume, or maybe it was done in the 1966 adaptation. 1988's take on the story doesn't try to play the SpongeBobian "Two Shorts" format, but extends the story to its logical depth for a half hour, sometimes at the sacrifice of some lost jokes or a completely different ending.

Take the 10th episode, "The Shinigami Salesman From Hell!" which was adapted from a chapter very late into the original first run of the manga, titled simply "The Shinigami Salesman". Both have the same sort of overall plot: con-artist and overall degenerate Iyami overhears that Osomatsu, one of the six identical Matsuno brothers, is gravely ill. He teams up with a goofy shinigami in an attempt to whack this kid, only really because he just doesn't like him. It's a recurring theme in most Osomatsu's to give a 30-something scumbag beef with 10-year-old kids. Doesn't always have to be Iyami, but most of the time it's him. A bunch of weird and dark stuff ensues, a reference to the Grimms' "Godfather Death" fable is enacted, but both of these takes end TOTALLY different.

In the manga, the shinigami ends up quitting his job as a harbinger of death and instead gets a career as a candlemaker, with the previously alluded-to Grimm reference, leading Osomatsu and his brothers to pick up candles for a birthday cake, and hurrying away once they know who's at the front. The anime is much more interesting: near the end of both adaptations, Iyami has fucking died and the shinigami himself is badly injured. He enlists the best character in the whole franchise, Chibita, to go to his awful mansion and switch out the candles that fuel one's life force. Chibita succeeds in the manga, and revives both Iyami and the shinigami, but in the anime, he ends up getting a little too hot inside a house full of candles and opens a window, letting a draft in that presumably caused an unexplainable series of deaths around the world. A cut back to the now-healthy rest of the cast, who are suddenly surrounded in darkness. Then a spotlight, and a fade to black.

The final shot of the episode is most except Chibita doing a song-and-dance routine surmising that they have all died and are livin' it the hell up in the Good Place. Personally, I would not put Iyami there on his several attempts to kill a child, but who gives a shit. It's funny.

Mostly, it's a matter of execution. Akatsuka's take on the ending is funny for what he wants to tell, it's a good ending that closes off the story in a "ob-la-di, ob-la-da" fashion, to keep everyone alive in the hopes of the audience subscribing to next week's antics. In Akatsuka's later post-modern works, such as Gag Guerrilla or Let's La Gon, he'd often play with the "character dies for no reason" ending because of how logically extreme it is, and I can understand why the team on the anime side would prefer that way to end it, seeing as how Akatsuka was a fan of doing things that way for several years at that point. He would have been pleasantly surprised with the change, in my opinion.

Even then, there's original stories that aren't based off any pre-existing chapters of the manga. Such tales include the sextuplets' parents de-aging into teenagers with Mrs. Matsuno taking up a career as an idol and her better half posing as a relative visiting in place of their dad. It's a pretty thoughtful story, with both of them understanding that even though they're older, they still want to feel the same way as when they met as youths. That's the sort of ethos of Osomatsu to me, to exist in a fast-paced and orderly world and desire the fun and nonsensical. It's why for the longest time I've always interpreted the show's opening to be a tribute to those who read the manga as kids and now that they're older, are sharing it with their kids. "My dad is my dad, my mom is my mom, they're the best in the country, but what you see is what you get." It's that sort of energy that is the entire philosophical statement Osomatsu-kun pushes.

Act III: Mr. Osomatsu Isn't Home Right Now

Live "Got Show Stolen" Reaction

It shouldn't be much of a surprise that over here, there's a distinct lack of knowledge in regards to how people process Osomatsu as a franchise. Most people who have at least a little experience with the series know about Osomatsu-san, which as fun and relatable as it is, I feel is a parallel to this show in particular. The self-loathing that Osomatsu-san has for what it once was is, in some ways, frustrating. In many episodes, it constantly wants to shrug off its 1960s origins and completely reinvent itself as something born of ashes, with its debut even criticizing how Osomatsu-kun can't stay relevant due to its sheer age and how its creator has been long dead. In terms of making art, I don't feel relevancy is a necessary thing...I'd much rather just make something out of time with little regards for the time it's made in.

Not to say that the previous interpretation didn't try for modernity; you'll have an off-hand reference to going to a Michael Jackson concert or popular manzai comedians of the day. The rereleased manga was also being updated for the times, with stories from 1964 having their topical jokes rewritten to be about things more understandable in 1987. It's a common thing to happen in reprints, Lupin III was going through a similar situation with its reprints at this time.

To erase things that make something of a certain era kills its historicity, to have to explain it in a way that makes sense is a lesser evil. I'd much rather be told about a hit single from 1967 than yap about how it doesn't make any sense for a reference to Thriller to be here. The sliding scale of modernity is going to come for us all, and it doesn't matter who gets struck in the crossfire. To pretend that it can actively hurt you is of a different struggle entirely.

In Osomatsu-san, everyone has been aged up to adults, with the advantage to tell more raunchy and crude jokes than they would be able to as kids. The honorific expresses this perfectly. The main problem stems from how it could date itself in comparison to -kun, with its tales of Starbucks and smartphones, porn DVDs and convenience stores. It's a 21st-century story that's being told to us by characters that didn't have to deal with such modern struggles as kids. These kids, though, are a far cry from how they are as adults, forgoing a long-running joke to do something completely unthinkable: the Matsunos can now be told apart.

Osomatsu-kun, in the simplest regards, wants to remind people of the best aspects of Osomatsu-kun. What Osomatsu-san want to do is completely overhaul the system, to start all over with these vaguely familiar characters from something so old, that it doesn't matter what went on then. It seems to be something so distinct from anything that happened before to the point of self-deprecation. To confront the idea of what came before as old and unfunny is to dismiss what got you here in the first place, though I would be lying if I said I didn't appreciate Osomatsu-san for what it does. It simultaneously is and isn't.

My main concern is for everyone who is much more familiar with the latest incarnation: I'm imagining that meme about Marvel movies where a series of strawmen are confused over what's transpiring when they watch a movie like that. I fear that those unfamiliar with Osomatsu's origins will project their own conclusions onto this series, when it's not even something to consider at this point in time. I've seen it happen for 10 or so years now, but I'm not sure how much will change, if at all.

Act IV: A Little Boogieing Back Never Hurt Nobody

Iyami, post-afterlife clerical error, alongside another attempted murderer, their target, and five others caught in the crossfire.

But what's all to be gained from having a fuckass cartoon like this on disc? Quite a bit, actually. I could go to a convention and see it at a booth and smile. I could go to a small mom-and-pop anime shop and find it on a shelf and smile. I would know that there would be people on this godforsaken planet who have this in their lives and houses and I would smile. Understanding that people out there like this as much as I do brings me happiness, and I guess that's all we need in these trying times.

Finding things to be happy about while the world comes down on you is a quest for many. To go on a grand journey across the net for something that appeals to you in a hundred different ways is like finding the holy grail, but when you do find it, there's a less than 1% chance you let it go. I've been Osomatsu-pilled since -san started almost 10 years ago. People were making jokes in 2017 with Mr. Burns at the plaque, but in big 2025, I rarely see anyone talking about the series in any capacity anymore. It's a shame, there's so much to love and like about the characters and overall fun that it has with them that for all the time spent waiting on something to come off all this hype back when it was the old hotness, the ashes are starting to settle and are getting thin enough to blow away in the wind.

An Osomatsu for now would be very useful. -san's fourth season is set to begin in July, so maybe I'll think about that for a while. Otherwise, I'll be pre-ordering the set day one. It's the least I could do for myself right now.

It's Gratifying, It's Terrifying: An Interview with Gary Hallgren

"Game Expense"

As I write this preface, I'm currently in a hotel in Albany. I'd missed my train back home and am bunking up in a somewhat decent room for the night. I saw a cockroach on the shower wall. This is screaming New York.

Nonetheless, my reasons for being on the east coast are very personal: I had went to the exhibition of Gary Hallgren, a particular favorite illustrator of mine who I'd been in touch with for a while. The show was held at the Art For The Soul gallery in downtown Springfield, MA, birthplace of basketball, which has a flavor all its own. By that, I mean I bought a small calzone at Paramount Pizza that turned out to be the size of my head. I'm finishing it up now.

He was a genuine class act; usually people tell you not to meet your heroes, but he was an awesome subversion to such advice. I did want to chat with him about his work and career, but I was on such a time crunch that I almost made the train. I do want to thank Mr. Myers, the curator of the show, for getting me to Pittsfield during this hellish storm. No thanks to the fuckheads not plowing the streets, my Greyhound was delayed by 21 minutes. Awesome

At least the room is pretty quiet, not liking the deposit policy though. It's a huge toss-up on whether they'll give it back or not. Sometimes they'll say that you took a toiletry as cause for them not giving it back. It's weird that way.

Before I get into the main event, I want to mention a few brief anecdotes that weren't picked up by the mics when we began. I asked Hallgren if he still has the original illustrations for the covers for one of my all-time favorite works of his, Mort the Dead Teenager, to which he said he doesn't; according to him, the originals were sold in a set at the Chicago Alternative Comics Expo a while back, to which I jokingly said something to the effect of "it should have been me!" I had also gifted some hand-pressed buttons, one of a piece I did of Mort a few years back, and another of an illustration I have not shared and probably won't, Hallgren describing the latter as "leaving nothing to the imagination".

Without further ado, here's the transcript from my talk with Mr. Hallgren. I'd love to see him again in person, but I owed him a pretty big debt and this was one of my biggest chances to not pass up.

---

Hallgren: I'm fully unprepared to do this.

Ai: (laughs) Oh, it's alright. It's alright. I haven't done many interviews in my life, but I think this would be pretty worthwhile. How are you, Mr. Hallgren?

H: As they say in the swamps, fine as frog hair.

A: Anything else happening besides your daughter's birthday? (Her birthday was the day before, happy belated birthday, Annabel!)

H: Well, I'm starting to write some more comics stories again...I've been, over the last 20-25 years, when the news strikes me, I'll write silly and naughty comics stories. And I finally got enough so that I could publish a book of them (Amuzing Stories #1). And that came out four years ago. And I'm starting to do it again.

A: That's awesome.

H: I was busy with some of the "finer" art, but it goes in waves. I'll be letting that go for a while, working on comics stories.

"TV Dinner"

A: Awesome, awesome. Working on anything besides Hägar and that?

H: Yeah, sure...the current story that I'm working on, in the middle of penciling, is called...I can't remember the name of my own story! It has to be with...hmm, what does it have to do with? I keep sidetracking myself because I'm also writing a story about time travel, and the puzzlements of trying to change the past and how it really can't be done, but trying to make light of that is funny. That wasn't a joke.

A: It almost sounded like--you know, "the past is the past".

H: Yeah.

A: It's a harsh reality.

H: But we have all these thoughts about, "Gee, if I had only done something differently at this certain nexus," well, maybe you'd disappear, if you had.

A: Like grandfather theory, right?

H: Yeah.

A: So, Mickey Mouse is public domain, what's your opinion on that?

H: The original "pie-eyed" Mickey Mouse from Steamboat Willie is public domain.

A: There's some more stuff. I feel like a lot of Mickey went public domain this year.

H: Well, the later model Mickey with the white eyeballs, he's still quite copyrighted. I had a request a couple of years ago from some publishers in Germany...they were doing a parody of famous folk tales and they asked me to contribute. So I said, "Well, I'd like to do Steamboat Willie." And they said, "That sounds great!" And then they got right back to me and said in Germany he's still protected.

A: Yes, it's different all over the place.

H: I had to do something else.

A: In Japan, a lot of the early Disney stuff is public domain. I was in Japan two years ago and I saw one of those "public domain" DVDs of Pinocchio on a shelf at a BOOK-OFF. And I was like, "Oh, I should probably get this!" (laughs) Because it was such a weird little novelty, like "Oh yeah, it's public domain over here." I think it's Creator Plus 70 or Creator Plus 60...something. No, it's Creator Plus 50, Life Plus 50...because Jim Croce's work is public domain in Japan.＊

H: But wait a minute, Life Plus 50, he didn't die 50 years ago!

A: He died 50 years ago.

H: He did? It was that long ago?

A: Yeah, he died in, I think, '73.

H: (grabs his face) Oh, all the time is slipping away!

A: (laughs) It's alright, it's alright.

H: I guess you're right.

A: Yeah, no, what a great talent Croce was.

H: Yeah, I mean, there's, you know, the golden oldies [stations] still play him regularly.

A: I saw ELO a couple of months ago with Jeff Lynne down in Detroit.

H: He's still working?

A: Oh no, it was his farewell tour.

H: Oh, well, I envy you for that.

A: I grew up listening to ELO. "Evil Woman" is one of my all-time favorites.

H: I watch him on YouTube. (laughs)

"Air Pirates Funnies #3"

A: What's it like to have an exhibition up in here?

H: Oh, well, it's gratifying. It's terrifying. I'm happy it happened, and I've had a lot of excellent response, so there is that.

A: Awesome.

H: And I have to thank Bill [Myers] for doing it, because he tried to get me a show here about five years ago, and it didn't work out, but he didn't give up.

A: Nancy. Let's talk Nancy. Any favorites?

H: Oh, Nancy. Nancy, Nancy, Nancy...when I was a youngish underground cartoonist, there were a couple of guys in the group that thought Nancy was the bee's knees, and I never got it. I didn't get what they were up to.

A: It's hard to get, I guess, at the time. Not really anything special.

H: They took the ironical, sort of the absurd view of it, and I was still too literal. (laughs) I mean, at the same time, I couldn't play saxophone with Dan O'Neill because he was an Irish troubadour, and he counted however he damn pleased. He'd stop the banjo, and he'd go off on a tangent, and I said, "Dan, you've got to stick with the 12 bars if we're going to play blues together!" He couldn't do it.

A: No, I get it.

H: And it's sort of like the way I was with Bill Griffith and Art Spiegelman, but I eventually figured out what it was all about. It's a tabula rasa. It's the most reduced comic that has ever been produced, and it's like a big swimming pool full of blue water that's inviting you in.

A: Have you read How to Read Nancy?

H: Oh, sure!

A: Oh, I love it.

H: Yeah, it's a great book.

A: It definitely explains comics a lot better than other books about comics can.

H: Yes, it is the best text on comics I've ever read, and I'm happy to say that I have met and have had conversations with both the authors. I talked to them last May in Columbus, Ohio at the Nancy show.

A: I should have been there, I really should have been there!

H: Oh, it's a great show. I mean, I just got the art back that they borrowed from me, which, that was nice because that gave me a little VIP status there.

A: That's awesome, man. I mean, you definitely got your Nancy down.

H: Well, I may have come to Nancy later in life, but when I go someplace, I like to take plenty of baggage.

A: So, you tried out for Nancy in the 90s, and you did not get it. I do love your work on it though. Did you ever meet the Gilchrists who ended up getting it?

H: No, and I don't want to.

A: (laughs) So I take it you don't like their work?

H: Nope.

A: Oh, I don't [either].

H: In a word, no. (laughs)

A: I don't really care for them either, no. I ended up meeting Guy I believe twice at a convention, and, I mean, I'm pretty sour on him. If anything, there should not be cartoonists being guests on The 700 Club.

H: What's that?

A: It's a cable program that CBN had a long time ago, and the guy who ran the show, Pat Robertson, died a while back. He was evil, like a genuinely evil guy.

H: Pat Robertson...

A: Yes, he was the host of the show, and his son does it now, but Guy Gilchrist came, and he drew Nancy, and she was saying, like, "Thanks 700 Club!" It was pretty bad. (laughs)

H: Well, I'm not sure why, the excuse they gave to me when they said they'd made their choice was that they were going with a team, because they thought that I would not be able to keep up with the deadline, they gave me six weeks to do six weeks worth [of strips], and I made it by the skin of my teeth because I was busy. I did it when I could. I still made the deadline, they said "No, we're worried about you making your deadline."

A: Yeah, I mean, a lot of the early Gilchrist stuff was traced-over Bushmiller. They literally traced over it.

H: Well, you know, I don't fault them for that...because when I'm doing somebody else's art, I do whatever I can to get the feeling, and that sometimes includes doing tracing. Not what I turn in, but as an exercise.

A: Right, but they just went over older strips and maybe changed the dialogue a little. It was the same joke, same sort of thing. It wasn't anything new, and Jerry Scott had a similar issue when he did Nancy, but it came into his own thing, and I appreciate it. It's not really Nancy, but I appreciate it.

H: Oh, yeah, he bent it and shaped it alright, and as did the Gilchrists, but I didn't like the direction he was going [in]. I thought, "you know..." and now we've got Nancy being reshaped yet again.

"Danger Nancy"

A: I was going to get to that, how do you like Olivia Jaimes' Nancy?

H: Well, for starters, I wish she used a little bit heavier line.

A: She has a background in web comics...

H: It doesn't print well in our newspaper.

A: That's an issue, yeah.

H: I think that's a serious issue. You know, whatever medium you're in, make it work for you. Don't push the limits when they don't need to be pushed.

A: That's true. From what I've heard before that, Nancy was only in about 50 or 60 papers around the country, and then when [Jaimes] got on and people were talking about it, it went back up to 300 or so.

H: There was a virtual presentation from Olivia at Nancy Fest, and it was a very sort of coy and [she] said "I don't like to be in public, and I'm going to turn my strip over to somebody else for a month or two."

A: It was kind of a bit, I guess. The stuff that was done by the other artists who did a week or so of strips, I thought that was a pretty fun little thing to do.

H: I think that's okay, I certainly appreciate the change-up every once in a while. I remember when Bobby London introduced Dirty Duck as a basement strip under Odd Bodkin, and that was pretty phenomenal at the time, and now I don't understand Bobby. He hates Dan, and Dan gave him a start, you know?

A: Dan was pretty much the front of the MLF and everything.

H: Oh, totally.

A: He was the big dude that the suit was after.

H: I think Bobby probably thinks I've been Dan's toady forever, which, if he has to claim he's not Dan's toady by being such a "bad boy" and having his butt kicked off Popeye, and bad-mouthing Dan for dragging him into the Air Pirates, which he now repudiates. So, he's a complicated guy.

A: I mean, you guys changed history. That suit pretty much re-identified parody law.

 H: Well, it's still up in the air. I mean, it didn't really fix anything, it just kicked the can down the road in a way.

A: It did some things. It made people aware about the state of parody in the country at the time.

H: It's generated some print, The Pirates and the Mouse, the book about the Air Pirates by Bob Levin. Bob Levin has also written biographies of Dwaine B. Tinsley, the infamous cartoon editor at Hustler Magazine, who was dragged into court by a complaint from his daughter about unfortunate sexual hijinks, which was never proven, but it ruined Tinsley, of course. He created this very, very un-PC strip called Chester the Molester. Have you seen that one?

A: I've heard of it, I don't believe I've seen it.

H: They took him into court and said "Here's Chester the Molester himself!" But Levin researched it, said it's not subtle. His daughter had some axe to grind and saw an easy way to do it.

A: K-Otics. Any favorite songs? Performances?

H: I think working with CBGB in the early 90s was great. What a legendary venue. We played for a couple of Neal Adams Christmas parties, that was fun. And Marvel Comics Christmas parties in their office, we'd set up in the Bullpen and flail away.

A: Speaking of Marvel, Teen Hulk. Remember Teen Hulk?

H: Sort of.

A: Any stories about that?

H: (shrugs) Not a one. Larry [Hama] is my conduit into Marvel, and it stops there.

A: Have you talked with him recently?

H: He just posted a picture of our daughter when she was two on Facebook.

"Do It Yourself"

A: Cool, I got five minutes' time. I'm gonna try to speedrun some of this.

H: It's alright.

A: Mort stuff. Who was your favorite character to draw?

H: Ooh...Mort.

A: You liked to draw Mort?

H: I liked to draw Mort, yeah.

A: He's just a mess. I love him.

H: He's like Archie. A more real Archie to me.

A: I did see a lot of Archie-isms in it, with Kimberly and Maureen being a sort of analog to Betty and Veronica.

H: Yes, yeah. And his goofy friend who had the haircut...

A: Slick or Weirdo?

H: Weirdo.

A: Weirdo, yes...

H: I was very much sorta making that up as I went along. Larry wrote a...you know this, he's a good script writer. He's excellent. There weren't a lot of horrible questions that I couldn't answer, but he gave me pretty much carte blanche to do it like I saw it.

A: So it was more of a collaboration between you and Hama?

H: He wrote the script, and Marvel published it, and they didn't know what to do with it, and it disappeared.

A: I enjoy it very much.

H: Great, I'm glad!

A: How personal was the comic to you? How personal was Mort?

H: Not very. Truthfully, there wasn't a lot. I guess if I think on it for a moment, anybody that does a strip about a teenager must reach back into their own teenagerhood and feel a few things and bring them out. I can't say what that is without, you know, wasting your time, but I'm sure there's got to be a few things. And of course, Mort's dad and the car that Mort died in, Studebakers are another one of my passions. You know that. (laughs)

A: I could tell! Did you have any interesting stories that went on?

H: During Mort?

A: Yes.

H: I got an interesting story from the first time I went up to the National Lampoon, and at the request of Doug Kenny, we were talking about what I could do for the Lampoon. He wanted to know if I worked with writers. I said, "But I also have ideas of my own!" And I pitched them a strip idea...which was a simple four-panel strip called Four for a Quarter, inside of an old-fashioned black-and-white photo booth. It's just four panels of somebody goofing off in the photo booth. He said, "Yeah, I like it. That could work. Do [me] up a few." And at that time, Matty Simmons, the publisher, walked in and says, "What do we need him for? Let's just go down to the photo booth in Grand Central and do it." It made Doug mad. "Matty, leave, please, you're not going to steal this guy's idea right out from under our noses!" So that introduced me to the cutthroat world of magazine humor publishing.

A: Yeah, it's awful.

H: It's gone now. (laughs)

A: How do you think Mort's aged?

H: Pretty good, I think so, I think so. I still read mysteries and books that don't have cell phones.

A: It's fun. Movies, TV, anything? There was apparently a TV show from what I've heard that was optioned at UPN back when that was a thing.

H: Ooh, missed that.

A: Apparently Wizard Magazine picked up on it. I don't know.

H: From Mort?

A: From someone, I dunno. (laughs)

H: Larry should know, I'll have to ask him.

A: This is a very silly question. Should Mort get a happy ending or should he languish in a hellish cycle of his own creation?

H: (laughs) Well, if you want more books, he should languish in the hellish cycle.

A: I don't know right now, not a lot of people are interested in it.

H: No, it's kind of moot since I don't think anything's going to happen. Although, you never know. It's one of the few properties that Marvel has never sold the movie, so it could still happen.

"Working Mother"

A: At one point it might have been, but I don't know. [Disney's] probably getting it back this year. Who knows? They're getting the Fox stuff back, and the Universal Hulk stuff. Tom and Mary Bierbaum apparently made a comic called Dead Kid Adventures sometime in 1994. Know about it?

H: Tom and Mary Bierbaum...any relation to Bob Bierenbaum?

A: No, (laughs) they worked on, I think The New Mutants or whichever one it was. ＊＊

H: I don't remember. I'm very, very ignorant of modern comics, sorry to say.

A: It's alright.

H: Can't help you there.

A: Mad Magazine, any favorites?

H: Ooh, the killing of the Pokémon. ("Hokéycon" from #386)

A: I see!

H: I murdered Pikachu with a stick of TNT.

A: I don't think Pikachu can learn Explosion! (laughs)

H: They wanted him blown up. I was all too happy to blow him up! I have nothing against [Pikachu] personally, but it's just too good of an assignment to say no. (laughs)

A: Okay, one last question and that'll be it. SpongeBob, your work on SpongeBob.

H: Just the SpongeBob magazine.

A: You a fan of SpongeBob at all?

H: I am now.

A: Any favorite episodes?

H: Not that come to mind, but I did try writing for SpongeBob and they said, "We don't have sharks in SpongeBob."

A: There are shark characters.

H: There are now, but when I put in my script, they said "Sorry, no sharks." (laughs)

A: Thank you for your time, I owe you a tremendous debt.

H: No problem.

---

＊Editorial note 3/8/25: in 2018, Japan extended their copyright terms from Life Plus 50 to Life Plus 70, syncing up with most other terms in Europe, therefore leaving Croce's work under copyright, except in countries with Life Plus 50 terms such as New Zealand. "Pinocchio" is public domain in Japan due to a separate ruling regarding films made prior to 1953, regardless of country of origin. Due to the 2018 extension, a 20-year grace period is in place for any works under copyright that were set to expire in 2019, alongside a separate extension for additional "authors" of films alongside the director (who has their own Life Plus 70 in place). Anything in the domain prior to 2019 remains there. Another term is in place for certain films released prior to 1970 with an additional 38 years added, but I'm not sure about the logistics of how that term works.

Additionally, since the publication of this piece, I have donated $100 to the Art for the Soul gallery for their efforts to raise awareness for underrepresented artists of different backgrounds and cultures, and to continue their mission as an integral part of the Springfield community. You can donate here, anything given is tax-deductible and going to a good nonprofit cause.

＊＊ Editorial note 3/9/25: The Bierbaums did not write "New Mutants", instead they are most well-known for "Legion of Superheroes". "Dead Kid" had an ashcan not too long after "Mort" finished up, and a series debut around 1997, which was shortly cancelled after two issues. I recommend you do some digging into it, it's a very interesting book with a lot of promise.